Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Kids These Days!

The kids these days - I'll never understand them!

They are always sitting around drinking all the Modest Mouse and listening to their Grey Goose.

Back in my day we had two choices for alcohol - beer and moonshine. The beer tasted like piss and contained no alcohol half the time and the moonshine burned your throat and made you go blind. So make your choice! I chose beer one time and from then on, I took blindness like a man damnit! It wasn't so bad. Who wanted to see what their drunken shenanigans got them into anyways?!? Plus I think touching, smelling, tasting, and hearing are just as important when your decision-making part of the brain has blacked out. The real trouble started when we had to walk back home in the pouring rain and sleet and snow - blind. It was fifteen miles uphill, both ways!

The kids have it too easy these days. The hardest part of their day is standing in the alcohol aisle for 20 minutes at their local grocery store contemplating what kind of booze to buy for the long night of drinking after a long day of doing nothing productive:

1: "How about some citrus vodka?"
2: "Vodka? No, I drank way too much vodka last night. How about some whiskey?"
1: "What kind of whiskey?"
2: "Jack? Or Jim Beam? Or some Wild Turkey?"
1: "Hmmm... JD sounds alright."
2: "No, forget it. Whiskey dick. Let's look at the beer."
1: "Alright, how about this 12er of Sierra Nevada?
2: "No, let's just get this cube of Natty Light for the same price."
1: "Natty Light is gross."
2: "So is your mom but that didn't stop your dad."
1: " Yeah well-"
2: "It didn't stop me either."
1: "Okay so forget Natty Light. Coors?"
2: "No."
1: "Bud?"
2: "No."
1: "Pacifico?"
2: "No."
1: "Pyramid?"
2: "Which kind?"
1: "Any."
2: "No."
1: "You know... do you even want to get beer? I think shots is the way to go with the females."
2: "Females? Like you could even get some with Brad Pitt as your wingman."
1: "Brad Pitt? Got him on your mind? What are you gay?"
2: "Not as gay as you. So what about some gin?"
1: "Gin? Seriously?"
2: "Yeah."
1: "No. What about Jager and Redbull?"
2: "Cant, my mom only gave me $15 for booze tonight."
1: "That's funny, your mom gave me $30."
2: "Real funny, then buy the alkie for me."
1: "Eh sorry, gotta spend some money on lube and condoms for your mom."
2: "Oh Ive got half a bottle of lube leftover from last night with your mom."
*two minutes of silent contemplation*
1: "So how about some citrus vodka?
2: "Alright, that'll work."
1: "By the way, tell your mom that my mom says hi."

FYI, these two knuckleheads showed up to the party and challenged each other to take 10 shots in the first hour. One hour later, after 8 shots each, they were passed out on the two bathroom floors. The most action they got was a plunger to the face and an occasional splatter of piss from drunken bathroom visitors. As for the bottle of citrus vodka they painstakingly decided on? A male party-goer who showed up with empty hands finished it off with two females and proceeded to have a threesome until the sun rose. When everyone woke up the next day, all parties involved considered it "the greatest night ever".

Kids these days!

1 comment:

Gorgeous George said...

what a great story, reminds me of the time... hm... actually i do not remember a time like that. I do remember the time i drank straight gin tho... the worst time ever... i was at Borges Rance and I just smoked and then we started sipping on gin... I took one sip and got out of the car, threw up and my nose started bleeding at the same time!!! ohh man, i learned my lesson. gin is not good. way too dry, just like number 1's mom.